How To Deal With Big Emotions: Kids In Separated Families
How To Deal With Big Emotions: Kids In Separated Families
Navigating the emotional landscape of a separated household can be not only complex for us as the parents/adults involved, but absolutely for our children involved. From my own personal experiences, even with having what would read on paper as an ‘amicable’ divorce, my kids living with parents at different homes have often grapple with confusion, self-doubt, grief about what once was and at times sadness & even anger over the years.
As a Mum, it has always been absolutely crucial for me to provide my children with the safest of spaces to express their emotions, especially during the challenging times of holidays where distance will be between us, or the common lethargy from going back & forth between homes. I’ve never wanted my kids to feel like they are being ‘thrown’ around. Despite acknowledging how lucky I am to have such supportive families on both sides, and that comes in super handy when I am caught up with working commitments; the reality is it’s not their job to fill the gaps or raise my children for me.
My son is incredibly emotionally mature, meaning we’ve always had to be very considerate when it comes to what is discussed around him. As a kid that ‘never misses anything’ it’s common for him to hide his emotions, go away, process them, often worry about them, and then bring them up in a great panic a week or so later. Panic over things at times I find unfair a kid at just aged 10 would worry about, but that’s just him and he’s always felt things so strongly. For me, I feel like his way of staying silent is because he’s always wanted to be ‘ok’, the ‘big brother’ and the stereotype of ‘being a ‘man’ which I certainly haven’t instilled in him. He will open to me eventually, when he surrenders to being that little boy that still needs his mummy and no matter what age he is, I will always make him known that that’s ok.
My daughter on the other hand-two years younger than her brother-often leads a blissfully unaware life. The beauty of being so young when I separated from her Dad means she doesn’t remember us together as a couple, but instead a ‘family’ as I will always raise them to know. In saying that, over the years and especially as she has become older and more aware, the questioning & interest in our time together, our relationship, and our subsequent separation has been one she has certainly vocalised. I see a lot of sadness in her for missing out on that time, not being able to remember ‘mummy & daddy’ together and at times a yearning for knowing what that would feel like.
Listed below are some of the effective strategies I have always implemented in my children lives when it comes to communicating about big emotions, particularly in the content of co-parenting.
Establishing an open line of communication is essential for building trust with your children. Make it clear that they can share their feelings with you anytime and reassure them that you will approach these conversations without judgment or criticism. Use age-appropriate language to ask about their day, emotions, and experiences in both homes. For instance, I always greet my kids with similar questions: “Did you have fun at Dad’s?” “What did you do together?” or “What did Daddy cook for dinner?” Showing an interest in their ‘other home’ will make them more comfortable to speak about their life as a whole and that there doesn't need to be anything hidden.
Phrases like “How did you feel when you were at Mum’s/Dad’s house?” or “What do you miss the most about being together?” I find invites them to express their thoughts more freely.
Something that I am still learning everyday is to listen more, speak less. We don’t have to ‘fix’ everything for our kids, despite it being so deeply wired in us. Patience allows kids the time they may need to articulate their feelings. I know that I have seen hesitation due to fears of judgment or concerns about differing reactions from each parent in our co-parenting situation. Responding with empathy and understanding, rather than rushing to provide solutions, can make them feel truly heard and validated and I believe encourages their own independence to problem solve.
Normalising big emotions is always a must within my four walls. I strongly believe society puts way too much pressure on children to monitor, contain & regulate their emotions, when reality even as adults we struggle to do this more than we’d like to admit.
Children, just like many of us, often struggle to articulate what their feeling, so something I like to do is tell them a story of a similar situation I may have found myself in, or a time where I too may have been feeling similar emotions. Creating a sense of normality for them & their feelings makes them realise that we are all humans trying to figure this out, no matter how old we are.
Lastly, despite the difficulties we’ve faced over the years - something I will never actively choose to do is turn on the other parent. For me, it’s essential to emphasise the importance of maintaining positive relationships with all parties involved for the sake of the children, regardless of my own personal feelings on the situation. This is not always easy, I am aware, and in many situations, it is not always possible. But where it is, minimising any conflict and promoting healthy communication between parents can also ease children’s emotions burdens. I see it right in front of my eyes, when Dad & I catch up and have a chat at netball or footy, the mood shift in my children is instantaneous, and providing that feeling to my children is something I will always want to do. Reinforcing to the kids that both parents are on the same team, even if they live apart, will have more affect than you realise.
Soph xx
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