Mental Health: Then VS Now

Mental Health: Then VS Now

I’ll never forget the moment I stood over my peacefully sleeping son, just a few months old, tears silently streaming down my cheeks. 

I whispered, “I’m sorry, baby,” as anxiety gripped me tightly in my throat at that moment. 

I was apologising because, despite his thriving state—sleeping through the night, eating well, and always wearing his big cheeky smile—I still felt like I was failing. 

My post-natal depression cast a heavy fog over my sight, and I could see a future where I’d be whisked away in a straightjacket to a padded room. I genuinely believed I was going crazy.

In that moment, I couldn’t see past the murky haze of my mental health struggles, even with all the positive things surrounding me. 

I thought to myself, “Why do I feel this way when everything seems fine?” A sleeping baby, a roof over my head, a supportive partner, and a wonderful network of friends should have been enough. I hated myself for seeming ungrateful, feeling like I didn’t deserve the medical support I was receiving because, after all… what did I really have to complain about?

But mental health doesn’t discriminate. After months of working with my psychologist and doctor, I finally uncovered the root of my suffocating anxiety: I couldn’t handle the constant worry.

There’s a line I wrote in my book that I hope my Mum knows changed my life. During one of our visits to the GP, I asked her, “When does the worrying about the baby stop?”

“Never,” she replied. “You just learn to live with it.”

That simple response shifted my perspective entirely. I had navigated through those challenging months, grappling with the weight of newfound responsibility and the fear of losing this little person I was meant to protect. I was terrified every single day that something would happen to him, but I also suffered an unrealistic fear of death, and leaving him without a mother.

With my second child, the experience was totally different. Instead of post-natal depression, I found myself grappling with severe pre-natal anxiety. There were days, as terrible as it is to admit, when I wished for the pregnancy to fail just to escape the relentless worry and stress of carrying the baby. 

My anxiety was fuelled by the fear of repeating my previous experience. I spiralled into a state of self-doubt, guilt, and sleepless nights, consumed by the thought of facing the same challenges again as I did with my first. I was petrified. 

But this time, something magical happened. From the moment she entered the world, it felt as if I was birthing all of that anxiety along with her. The instant she left my body, I felt a wave of relief wash over me. I was calmer, less stressed, and armed with the knowledge that I could survive anything life threw my way. I realised that if she didn’t sleep perfectly or if I wasn’t sure about her feeding schedule, everything would still be okay. The sun would rise again, regardless of how rough the night had been.

Now, halfway through my third pregnancy, I of course carry a sense of nervousness - but also a newfound confidence. I’ve learned that trying to control everything is futile. The more I accept the unpredictability of what’s going to come, the better equipped I feel to face the unknown.

When we as women, first enter motherhood, it comes with a mix of excitement, anxiety and a great deal of uncertainty. The transition, all whilst healing your own body, can be nothing short of overwhelming. Many of us succumb to the pressures of being the ‘perfect parent’ - but what does that even mean? 

It’s fair to say by the time I’ve gotten to my third child, my perspective has totally shifted. I have accumulated a wealth of experience and knowledge from raising her first two children since back in 2014. Experience now that not only gives me a sense of confidence within myself, and reassurance that I can face anything that comes. Whilst currently I feel it’s likely I’m going to approach this newborn period with a more relaxed attitude, I also come with the knowledge that this experience could be totally different to my other two, and that’s perfectly ok. Trying to have any control over what will come is unattainable and that both mistakes & learning are part of the process. 

With age, and experience, I also now come with a greater need to prioritise my own well-being alongside the children’s needs; something I couldn’t fathom with my first. Recognising that taking care of myself enables me to be a better mother has been pivotal over the years; taking care meaning mentally, physically and socially. Finding ways to incorporate my interests and passions into my life definitely helps me foster a sense of identity beyond being a parent. 

I won’t tell you how to parent. We all know how different everyone does it. But what I will say is please believe in yourself. Only you know what is best. Trust your maternal instincts & intuition. Do not succumb to pressures that you don’t feel is right for you or your baby. Maintain an open & balance perspective, be realistic, and embrace all of the imperfection. Sending you love x 

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