Revisiting Breastfeeding After 8 Years: Challenges, Pressures, and Personal Choices

Revisiting Breastfeeding After 8 Years: Challenges, Pressures, and Personal Choices

Pregnancy to me is a mixed bag of magical miracles and clusterfucks of nightmares. Truly. To experience something so amazing is an honour, and one I will never ever take for granted having carried three children by aged 34. Yet, I won’t ever allow anyone to make me feel like I should shy away from its harsh realities sometimes; the totally shitty realities. And for a lot of us, we can share in the experiencing of a shitty breastfeeding journey. Often, we are made to believe that breast feeding comes so naturally to both women, and their babies. That once baby is born, they will naturally take to your perfectly sized nipple for the babies mouth, the magical non-existing milk tap turns on in your titties, and streams of gold goodness flow effortlessly into your babies mouth - whilst your baby immediately latches at the perfectly correct angle, knowing exactly what to do all on their own having just greeted us earth side.

Now picture this… 

It’s Day 5 and you haven’t had your milk come in yet. You’ve been attempting to latch this baby on your nipples every 3 hours, around the clock - and don’t get me wrong.. they are sucking. Sucking hard. What a good little baby! But they are sucking slightly to the left - unbeknownst to you because it “looks right” - so much so it’s caused a little pile of blisters and what can only be described as razor like cuts. 

As your try to reposition your body to hopefully get a better attachment, your feel your swollen vagina opening graze along the sheets and it feels like you may have even ripped open some stitches.  Between the pain of your burning nips and your bleeding fan, you realised you haven’t eaten in a few hours and start to get hot sweats before realising your eyes are shutting and your body is closing down for a sleep. 

Why can’t I fucking do this? you ask. Everyone else makes it look so easy!! 

I believe breastfeeding is one of the most natural yet complex aspects of new motherhood. And here I am, about to revisit what I am sure will be another eye-opening experience for me after an 8 year hiatus. While some aspects to it feel familiar, some challenges will be new. For context, I breastfeed my firstborn Bobby for 6 months. I introduced a bottle of formula a day (at night before sleep), perhaps after the 2 month mark (apologies - my memory is so blurry) while I only breastfed my second child Florence for approx. 6 weeks. Both experiences were very different and I had varying reasons for approaching them in that way. In hindsight, I felt a lot more pressure to breastfeed my first born for longer. Second baby, I took complete control of that decision. 

But neither experience was easy. I had to use nipple shields for my entire feeding experiencing as my nipples were too small in comparison to the size of my breasts at the time. Both were prior to my reduction surgery so I was attempting to feed both times with 14HH+ boobs. That was frustrating & disheartening for me because I wanted to be one of those girls who could pull out their nipple subtly at the cafe and feed their baby while enjoying a coffee with girlfriends. Instead I always had to be home, or hiding in the car, building the Great Wall of china in pillows to not only hold my boobs up but to also protect my baby from being smothered. 

This time - I go in with much smaller breasts but the fear of the unknown of whether I can even feed or not. Part of breast reduction surgery, in my instance, was accepting that breastfeeding is not something they can guarantee anymore. I believe it may be case by case scenario but don’t quote me on that. 

But for now I wait… with my right nipple currently producing small amounts of colostrum at 35 weeks pregnant, my left is yet to make a move. So who knows, we will see what is in store for us when the time comes and as much as I’d ideally love to give my baby girl some of my golden goodness - I am at peace (I think?!) with that not happening too. 

Every mother’s breastfeeding journey is unique, and there’s certainly no one-size-fits-all solution. Some love it. Some hate it. Some get it. Some don’t. I mean this in the nicest way possible that this could be said - I couldn’t give one shit how you choose to feed your baby. And neither should anyone else. What matters most is that your baby is loved, nurtured, and well-fed, regardless of how. Whether that’s through breastfeeding, bottle feeding, or a combination of both.

Revisiting breastfeeding for me after an eight-year gap has bought on some eery flashbacks, some excited butterflies and some harsh realities I may need to be prepared to face. But please never forget that the most important lesson is that feeding your baby isn’t about meeting societal expectations; it’s about doing what works best for you and your family. And that’s exactly what I will do :)

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